If I Should Fall From Grace with God
1. This meme may be personal. You ready for it?
Try me, Beyonce.
2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
Ghamlouche. He was my first boyfriend lol
3. Were you happy when you woke up today?
tired but feelin fine
4. When were you on the phone last? And with who?
a few hrs ago with mom
5. What are you excited for?
starting a new week!
6. What were you doing yesterday?
workout, interviewing, hockey game with mama, then with my boys.
7. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you?
Mark, romantically. If thats what this is referring to.
8. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
homemade popcorn with sea salt
9. Have a best friend?
Yes, my girls 💛
10. Are you scared to fall in love?
Yes because it can change all my plans. And the last guy I fell in love with ended up being a needy, weak, jerk.
11. Do you think teenagers can be in love?
No, its just puppy love. You need to see more in this life to know what it is and means.
12. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
Mark and Erik. Fuck ex boyfriends.
13. What time is it right this second?
4:22pm pst
14. What do you want right now?
My tummy to be tattooed, a job I friggin love, and to be living happily in MA already.
15. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Mama
16. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?
Single and feeling myself. Was heartbroken before but fuck it! Im worth more than that.
17. When was the last time you cried?
Last week. Mark broke my heart so bad.I lost everything this year.
18. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Yes. Although Mom is my favorite and true parent.
19. Do you find it hard to trust others?
Yes and no.
20. How fast does your mind change?
It depends.
21. I bet you miss somebody right now.
I miss Mark. The Mark I met all those months ago. Hes dead now. I miss the girls. Now most my friends are moms and dads now.
22. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
Yes.
23. Why do you think so many people cheat?
Because they're unhappy with who they have has a partner and are too cowardly to properly let it go. They lack attention. People crave it, so theyll seek it elsewhere even if it means nothing but a moment.
24. Tell me what's on your mind?
Debating on going to the gym or not.
25. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
work, my Colorado trip and new tattoo
26. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
a few pieces such as belts, sweaters and steal toe Docs.
27. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?
A few days ago. Love my Heather.
28. When is your next road trip?
as soon as i get a hyrbid!
29. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?
Mik, Thom, Kevin, Mike, Valanda.
30. How's your heart?
Healing, happy, beating STRONG.
31. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?
Yes.
32. Do you think somebody's in love with you?
No. Mark has never been in love with me. He proved it by moving on FAST.
33. What are you planning on doing after this?
Gym or shower.
34. Next time you will kiss someone?
Probably Aaron again lol hes not for me but he is cute. I wouldnt mind kissing him for awhile. hahaha
35. Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Mama 💗
36. Who do you not get along with?
Feminists, democrats, drunks. Negative people.
37. What does your 3rd recent text say?
"He has cameras everywhere."
38. What are you wearing right now?
boy short underwear and my Boston Red Sox tank top. ♥️
39. You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it?
Thats already happened. Mike locked the door on us. We just ended up talking about spiritualism, family. Its chill.
40. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese?
With Mama a few weeks ago. I had been crying and she made me one.
41. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now?
Oh nothing is prettier than my girls' names: Raleigh Slaine & Aurora Ember Moon. 💗💗💗
Strummer and Arsen for a boy.
42. How did you feel when you woke up?
"Oh man i gotta not stay up all night."
43. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?
Yeah that be cool.
44. Do you crack your knuckles?
nope
45. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
Hanging out with Aaron and Mike.
46. What are your LEGAL initials?
DNDN (seriously)
47. Who's the first B in your contacts?
Berenice
48. When was the last time you laughed really hard?
Last night with my brother
49. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them?
of course. she's pretty much my sister.
50. Explain your last awkward moment?
Having sex after months of not having it and not having it with my partner.... Its a readjustment.
51. Are you afraid of the dark?
No
52. Do you have good vision?
20/20
53. Have you ever tripped someone?
Yup. Dont fucking wave your mexican flag in my face.
54. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes.
55. Are you Irish?
My heart is Irish but my liver isnt.
56. Do you use chapstick?
yes, Baby Lips brand
57. Do you have any scars?
Fuck yeah. All over my chest and leg.
58. Is there someone you will never forgive?
Erik. He put his hands on me.
59. Are you dating the person you last held hands with?
No. We broke up.
60. Name the last person to text you.
Assaad
61. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you?
No. They have baggage. Eww.
62. Can you go in public looking like you do?
I need pants...
63. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?
Yes, Jermaine. My first love.
64. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
The center.
65. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day?
Take a picture with my groom and our party doing the shakas and rock and roll signs.
66. Do you fall for people easily?
Yeah, now I do. Gotta fix that.
67. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Yeah Mike has for a hug and my family.
68. Do you miss the way things used to be?
Yes. From October-December. I had Mark and Mark had me. We had everything. I had my promotion, health. We were good. I felt blessed. But at the same time...I actually like the now a bit better. Im not confined to a job thats not my passion anymore.
69. Song you're thinking of right now?
"Whiskey Makes Me Crazy" -The Tossers
70. Want someone back in your life?
I want Mark how he was before but other than that, NO. Stay away.
71. Will tomorrow be better than today?
yes.
72. What's your favorite color?
coral and aquamarine
73. Who was the first friend that you had?
Ruby
74. Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
VERY
75. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
Just about all my friends do. They want me to be alone to breathe and enjoy myself.
76. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?
Naturally happy
77. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?
Again, if Mark stops being a dipshit needy fucker and grows up, yeah Id stick it out forever. But that aint happening! 😂
27, Moon work, much needed vodka
Jeez.
Well, nitty gritty time: I am now 27. Yup. And life has been quite a twist.
Trying to catch up to speed, at 25, I began doing magick. Not magic, magick. Spellwork.
It called to me after a terrible heartbreak and I found I have a knack for it. So thus began my journey.
Also Ive always been deeply intuitive so I have begun working on that. My "clairs" have strengthed big time. (Ill get to that in a later entry!)
These past two years were full of adventures and....abuse.
I allowed a boyfriend to abuse me and it was not good. Its a regret I carry. And I try to help other girls and boys to escape abuse. Its terrible.
Everytime I smelled vodka for awhile, Id become nervous. The memory of being struck while the dude was trashed would replay.
In these years, I have moved out, got mt own apartment and began travelling.
Fell in love with Massachussets. ♥️♥️
Ive seen so many bands. Its amazing.
Im really trying to recap it all here.
But the biggest lesson I have gotten has been loss.
Grief.
Death. Tragedy.
Ive never lost anyone before. Ive been lucky. But this past year 2018, I got to experience loss close to home and the ugly side of it.
Ill write about that later.
Thoughts For That Someday
I'm dog tired of what's been going on these past couple of days. My grandfather is passing away slowly and Im basically on stand by. He's on his last few days. My dad is exhausted, he and my uncle are tending to their father's needs. They do all the heavy lifting and dirty work (literally) because their other brothers and only sister can't handle it physically and emotionally. I admit, it is tough to see Papa, once so strong and strong willed, so fragile and clinging to the little shards of life he has left. I was never close to him but even I try not to cry when I look at what remains of my grandfather. This is the first grandparent I lose, both sets of grandparents are alive. And wtih the exhaustion and saddness, my father is being pissy. The man is bipolar (hes been diagnosed, this is no exaggeration) and he already has these weird ideas, now he's just getting bitchier. Like a chick. But its understandable, this is hard shit. My mom on the other hand just wont quit. One arguement after another and another all through text. It's too much. Blowing up my phone with PARAGRAPHS WHILE SHES AT WORK. Jeez, must be nice to just be on your phone ARGUEING. And if i dont respond right away, I'm in trouble, even if I'm on duty or in class. No excuse with her. I call her my wife because I ALWAYS have to check in with her. Fuck im surprised she hasnt' knocked my ass out and stuck a tracking divice in my bone marrow.
I'm just tired. School just started back up again and all my math homework is online. Right now work has me working the night shifts so im off late and once i get back home im up staring at a screen for awhile. I'm trying to get a lot of work done in advance because i need to be there at Nana's for Papa, we don't know when he's going to go home. Im pooped. Trying to make my dad happy and my mom happy, have them get the fuck off my back. I'm so tired of hearing them nit pick at me in different ways. Usually it's whatever but right now since im sleep deprived, im ready to snap at anyone, even close friends who've never argued with me before. I just want to hold something tightly for a while and let the tears go. I had a good cry in the restroom at the liberary a few minutes ago. Had to let it out. As I cried, I thought, "I don't want my children to cry like this. I don't want them to be bitter like me." Because I am bitter.
I look at people that are at peace and happy and I'm happy for them but im also a little jealous. They're so free, and Im here tired, angry. People have hurt me very much. Lovers, friends, family. They've all smacked me with the fire end of a torch. The only one who's been there during my saddest hours has been God. Everyone else wasn't there. And that's not how I want my children to feel. I don't want them to be hiding somewhere and crying because of me. I can't sheild them from a broken heart caused by a lover or a friend. But I would rather drink poisen than to break their heart. When I was carrying Angel/Arsen, I would lay back and run a hand over my pelvis and say "No matter what happens, in this life, I will do whatever I can to make sure you don't hurt like I hurt." I lay there picturing their teeny tiny little spines form and there teeny little heart pump blood through their developing baby body, delicate and fragile. Little bones calcifying and hardening, little eyes developing. I couldn't see them yet but in my heart, they were the beginnings of perfection. Then I remembered how when my parents were at their very worst how their rage between each other came onto me. The fear I had mainly over my mother. The nights of crying. I remember one night she went too far and beat me up. I never had been scratched up by my parents before, that was a first. She punched me a couple times. that too was a first. I remember she combed through my room and threw papers of unfinished or untouched old hw at me, she made a mess as my father stood there like an idiot. NO balls at all. Not even a heart for me. Coward, I thought. I remember after she left my room, I squated in a corner, terrified. And shocked. I did deserve a spanking but what had happened went too far. My father, i had seen in his face, looked scared for me or maybe for him. But he did nothing. nobody told her hey that's enough now. I knew right then, squating in that corner at 14, that I could never trust them to not hurt me again. The safe feeling i had with them was gone and hasnt come back since and it has been almost 11yrs now.
Remembering that night, I couldn't imagine and bear the thought of my own hands bearing down into my little one like that. How could I scratch into my child's skin with my nails out of rage? The flesh that I had created, the body that grew and thrived in me? The once-was-a-baby person being struck by me over and over and degraded by my own mouth and hands? Would I not look at my son or daughter in that moment of them crying and trembling in fear and see my own 14 year old self with wild eyes of fear and remember? That cut out my heart. I knew my baby would grow up into a man or a woman and want to fly the nest. But I wanted my baby to always be able to fly back to me whenever they needed me or just needed to feel safe again. I can't do that with either one of my parents. Whenever I try wtih my mother, i just get that feeling of "don't get too close." it's weird to me. I tried with my father, his bipolarism makes him weird some days and some days he's fine. I never know. That's why I when im feeling unsafe, I seek solice in my Pasha. I trust him.
There are few ppl I feel comfortable with in this world and Mik is one of the very few. I trust him entirely. I know he will never look at me with eyes of anything but friendship. I know I can fall asleep beside him and he wont try to touch me. I can hand him my wallet and he wont take. That is also why I trust Mr. Lob City. I gave myself to him right away because i felt so safe and so quickly, it was odd to me. Yet it spoke volumes at the same time. I felt and still feel safe with him.
bUT that saftey i should feel with my parents, at least my mom. That is one thing I dont want for my daughters especially....to seek saftey in the arms of men. No, its never safe. Very rare is it. but VERY VERY rare....
There's a ring on my finger.
it's from me.
I'm done with being open to romance, I stopped looking and then Mario came along. You think once you stop searching you won't get hurt but in the end, you do. That one didn't burn me, he twisted my knee. That's the funny thing about life, Life is your teacher and you are constantly learning. Your teacher shoves you down by your shoulders, kicks you in the ribs and commands, "Get up." Then when you rise up, sometimes your teacher lets you take a few steps, or maybe gives you a mile or two before they whip around with a bamboo stick and smacks you hard in the shins. And when you hit the ground again, you're dragged by the roots of your hair through mud and brambles. Then you're thrown into ice cold water and told "Clean yourself up and keep moving." And when you do so, you're so sore and your skin burns with irritation. Some crumble to the floor and scream stop stop! Others cry but keep walking. Others fight back the tears and keep moving.
I used to be the type to crumble, then I learned to cry but keep moving. Now, after Mario...I dried up. Every bit of softness I had left in me hardened like week old bread. Rock hard. The only but of softness I have left I divided into little pieces and gave them to my brothers.
I don't trust anymore. I look at men now and all I think is "What does he want from me?" I went on a date with another friend that I've known for years too and in the middle of the date, I looked him dead in the eye and said "What do you want from this? I'm not fucking you. So lets just get that out of the way now." He looked at me in shock and said "I don't want to do that with you. I respect you." I laughed and said "That's what they all say."
I just don't have it in me anymore. They always want something, all of them do. Even if they grew up with you, raised alongside you, helped you through so much and vice versa, people, not just men, will not think twice about bending you down, yanking down your pants and fucking you. Raw. Don't trust anyone.
So I gave up. I want no part of romantic love.
However, the last bit of sweetness in me left I saved is for children.
I have this heart for kids unlike when I was younger. I cannot wait to have my own one day, be they boy or girl, physically impaired or whatever. Even if they are not of my blood. I want my own little family. All that remains of my open heart is for them, gift wrapped and tagged for someday.
But the ring on my finger says stay the fuck away.
Nearly A Decade In The Making.
I've known Mario for almost ten years. We met when I was nearly fifteen and he was seventeen in confirmation class. LOL! I had such a crush on him back then....I was still a little girl then....innocent of many things still. I miss being that pure, but purity comes with a high price, vulnerability. And that's something I never want to feel so long as I can help it. Well my school girl crush on him faded after I began liking someone else, typical. So fast forward and summarizing the last nine years and we stayed friends, never really seeing each other much, as he turned of age when I was still a minor and my parents never liked him, for several reasons that disclosing is unessessary. We were young and dumb, children still; we thought we were oh so cool and badass. BAH! Oh those days....embarrassing.
Well just this past Valentine's Day, he and I hung out with his group of friends. Something began to change....I suddenly REALLY wanted to kiss him. BAD. I thought oh shit im just hormonal. Nope. I just couldn't help it. Something about his character, now, drew me in. He wasn't flirty with me, he treated me as he always did, as a friend. So I thought oh fuck im have no chance at this. At the end of the night, I finally just said to myself fuck it im gorgeous, I can at least ask for a kiss and im sure he'll comply. Sure enough he actually did and sshhiiitttt I felt spark. MR LOB CITY intense spark. FUCK. I thought. The next day, we talked and he said he didn't feel uncomfortable about it. Just didn't know what to make of it. I said to myself im going to be like Derrick Fisher, I'm going in for the 3. So I said"well should we try dating?" and he said sure. FFFUUCCCCKKKKKKINGG CRACCCCKKKERRRSSSS GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE KITCHEN! LMAO!!!
So fast forward to today, which would be a few weeks later, and WOW....I am so taken by him already. It's spooking me out. When he touches me, as in pulls me to him, holds my hand, or rubs my knee cap, I love it. He may not be the thinnest and most handsome guy in the room, but he has a cute face and his personality is what does it for me. It's so easy. Since we've known each other for so many years, there's nothing to worry so much about. There's no preasure to impress each other, there's nothing. It was and has been an easy transition into us dating. I feel like a queen whenever I catch him looking at me from across the room when I'm associating with other people wherever we're at. When we sit together, I feel powerful and proud, like I said, much like a queen. No, a goddess. I want to make him proud, I want to be the very best. I can years with him. Easy, happy years. And babies. I'd be ecstatic if we procreated a beautiful new little person. Kissing him and holding him is the best feeling in the world, its not weird or anything. It feels right and normal. I'm so happy. But who knew that YEARS later all this would happen? Life is funny that way.