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Everybody has always said "I won't ever be like my parents." Everyone on God's green Earth has said that at some point in their lives. My mother picks fights over text, I can't stand that. It just reminds me of how my ex and I were. Fights always through text. It irritates me to no end. What happened to the old days of a phone call? What the hell ever happened to: "We'll talk when I/you get home." That shit actually helps out tremendously!! It gives you both time to leave each other be, blow off some steam, then talk it out CALMLY. But blowing up each other's phones is just stupid. Flat out fucking stupid shit.

I'm dog tired of what's been going on these past couple of days. My grandfather is passing away slowly and Im basically on stand by. He's on his last few days. My dad is exhausted, he and my uncle are tending to their father's needs. They do all the heavy lifting and dirty work (literally) because their other brothers and only sister can't handle it physically and emotionally. I admit, it is tough to see Papa, once so strong and strong willed, so fragile and clinging to the little shards of life he has left. I was never close to him but even I try not to cry when I look at what remains of my grandfather. This is the first grandparent I lose, both sets of grandparents are alive. And wtih the exhaustion and saddness, my father is being pissy. The man is bipolar (hes been diagnosed, this is no exaggeration) and he already has these weird ideas, now he's just getting bitchier. Like a chick. But its understandable, this is hard shit. My mom on the other hand just wont quit. One arguement after another and another all through text. It's too much. Blowing up my phone with PARAGRAPHS WHILE SHES AT WORK. Jeez, must be nice to just be on your phone ARGUEING. And if i dont respond right away, I'm in trouble, even if I'm on duty or in class. No excuse with her. I call her my wife because I ALWAYS have to check in with her. Fuck im surprised she hasnt' knocked my ass out and stuck a tracking divice in my bone marrow.

I'm just tired. School just started back up again and all my math homework is online. Right now work has me working the night shifts so im off late and once i get back home im up staring at a screen for awhile. I'm trying to get a lot of work done in advance because i need to be there at Nana's for Papa, we don't know when he's going to go home. Im pooped. Trying to make my dad happy and my mom happy, have them get the fuck off my back. I'm so tired of hearing them nit pick at me in different ways. Usually it's whatever but right now since im sleep deprived, im ready to snap at anyone, even close friends who've never argued with me before. I just want to hold something tightly for a while and let the tears go. I had a good cry in the restroom at the liberary a few minutes ago. Had to let it out. As I cried, I thought, "I don't want my children to cry like this. I don't want them to be bitter like me." Because I am bitter.

I look at people that are at peace and happy and I'm happy for them but im also a little jealous. They're so free, and Im here tired, angry. People have hurt me very much. Lovers, friends, family. They've all smacked me with the fire end of a torch. The only one who's been there during my saddest hours has been God. Everyone else wasn't there. And that's not how I want my children to feel. I don't want them to be hiding somewhere and crying because of me. I can't sheild them from a broken heart caused by a lover or a friend. But I would rather drink poisen than to break their heart. When I was carrying Angel/Arsen, I would lay back and run a hand over my pelvis and say "No matter what happens, in this life, I will do whatever I can to make sure you don't hurt like I hurt." I lay there picturing their teeny tiny little spines form and there teeny little heart pump blood through their developing baby body, delicate and fragile. Little bones calcifying and hardening, little eyes developing. I couldn't see them yet but in my heart, they were the beginnings of perfection. Then I remembered how when my parents were at their very worst how their rage between each other came onto me. The fear I had mainly over my mother. The nights of crying. I remember one night she went too far and beat me up. I never had been scratched up by my parents before, that was a first. She punched me a couple times. that too was a first. I remember she combed through my room and threw papers of unfinished or untouched old hw at me, she made a mess as my father stood there like an idiot. NO balls at all. Not even a heart for me. Coward, I thought. I remember after she left my room, I squated in a corner, terrified. And shocked. I did deserve a spanking but what had happened went too far. My father, i had seen in his face, looked scared for me or maybe for him. But he did nothing. nobody told her hey that's enough now. I knew right then, squating in that corner at 14, that I could never trust them to not hurt me again. The safe feeling i had with them was gone and hasnt come back since and it has been almost 11yrs now.

Remembering that night, I couldn't imagine and bear the thought of my own hands bearing down into my little one like that. How could I scratch into my child's skin with my nails out of rage? The flesh that I had created, the body that grew and thrived in me? The once-was-a-baby person being struck by me over and over and degraded by my own mouth and hands? Would I not look at my son or daughter in that moment of them crying and trembling in fear and see my own 14 year old self with wild eyes of fear and remember? That cut out my heart. I knew my baby would grow up into a man or a woman and want to fly the nest. But I wanted my baby to always be able to fly back to me whenever they needed me or just needed to feel safe again. I can't do that with either one of my parents. Whenever I try wtih my mother, i just get that feeling of "don't get too close." it's weird to me. I tried with my father, his bipolarism makes him weird some days and some days he's fine. I never know. That's why I when im feeling unsafe, I seek solice in my Pasha. I trust him.

There are few ppl I feel comfortable with in this world and Mik is one of the very few. I trust him entirely. I know he will never look at me with eyes of anything but friendship. I know I can fall asleep beside him and he wont try to touch me. I can hand him my wallet and he wont take. That is also why I trust Mr. Lob City. I gave myself to him right away because i felt so safe and so quickly, it was odd to me. Yet it spoke volumes at the same time. I felt and still feel safe with him.
bUT that saftey i should feel with my parents, at least my mom. That is one thing I dont want for my daughters especially....to seek saftey in the arms of men. No, its never safe. Very rare is it. but VERY VERY rare....
There's a ring on my finger and it's not from anyone in particular,
it's from me.
I'm done with being open to romance, I stopped looking and then Mario came along. You think once you stop searching you won't get hurt but in the end, you do. That one didn't burn me, he twisted my knee. That's the funny thing about life, Life is your teacher and you are constantly learning. Your teacher shoves you down by your shoulders, kicks you in the ribs and commands, "Get up." Then when you rise up, sometimes your teacher lets you take a few steps, or maybe gives you a mile or two before they whip around with a bamboo stick and smacks you hard in the shins. And when you hit the ground again, you're dragged by the roots of your hair through mud and brambles. Then you're thrown into ice cold water and told "Clean yourself up and keep moving." And when you do so, you're so sore and your skin burns with irritation. Some crumble to the floor and scream stop stop! Others cry but keep walking. Others fight back the tears and keep moving.
I used to be the type to crumble, then I learned to cry but keep moving. Now, after Mario...I dried up. Every bit of softness I had left in me hardened like week old bread. Rock hard. The only but of softness I have left I divided into little pieces and gave them to my brothers.
I don't trust anymore. I look at men now and all I think is "What does he want from me?" I went on a date with another friend that I've known for years too and in the middle of the date, I looked him dead in the eye and said "What do you want from this? I'm not fucking you. So lets just get that out of the way now." He looked at me in shock and said "I don't want to do that with you. I respect you." I laughed and said "That's what they all say."
I just don't have it in me anymore. They always want something, all of them do. Even if they grew up with you, raised alongside you, helped you through so much and vice versa, people, not just men, will not think twice about bending you down, yanking down your pants and fucking you. Raw. Don't trust anyone.
So I gave up. I want no part of romantic love.
However, the last bit of sweetness in me left I saved is for children.
I have this heart for kids unlike when I was younger. I cannot wait to have my own one day, be they boy or girl, physically impaired or whatever. Even if they are not of my blood. I want my own little family. All that remains of my open heart is for them, gift wrapped and tagged for someday.
But the ring on my finger says stay the fuck away.

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VersusVersailles
Destinee (DeeDee)
Artist | Student | Literature
United States
I am a writer.
I am a casual photographer.
I am a dreamer.

Hopefully what I do on here will help pay the bills someday.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato
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:iconchandevi:
Chandevi Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2013
Happy Birthday dearie!!! hope you enjoy it
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:iconversusversailles:
VersusVersailles Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Student Writer
thank you sweetheart!
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:iconchandevi:
Chandevi Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013
ur most welcome
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:iconevilscarrlett:
EvilScarrlett Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday!! :D
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:iconversusversailles:
VersusVersailles Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Student Writer
thank you love! :)
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:iconevilscarrlett:
EvilScarrlett Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :)
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:icontvd-photography:
TVD-Photography Featured By Owner May 8, 2013  Professional Photographer
Thank you for the fave on Lunar Eclipse :glomp: ^-^
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:iconversusversailles:
VersusVersailles Featured By Owner May 8, 2013  Student Writer
no prob!its a beautiful picture!
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:iconrhyara:
Rhyara Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013
Thanks for the fav and watch! :iconletmehugyouplz:
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:iconmagentaalchemist13:
MagentaAlchemist13 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave! :XD:
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